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'Iron Man 3:' a total letdown

Posted: Monday, May 13th, 2013




(Two out of 10 stars)



"How could they mess this up" was running through my head as "Iron Man 3" was finally coming to an end. I sat there in shock, almost breaking down into tears because of all the waiting, all the anticipation and simply because of all the problems and endless plot holes.

That's when I realized I’d just wasted a full two hours and 10 minutes of my life that I will never get back. What a horrible way to start the summer.

"Iron Man 3" is by far the worst movie I've seen all year. But judging by its box-office numbers, I won't be the only one wasting precious time and money on it.

As you probably already know, Robert Downey Jr. plays the role of Iron Man. But he does a horrible job, unlike the first and second movies, because he mumbles and talks too fast. Plus, all of the one-liners in this movie were stupid and not one bit funny.

Director Shane Black probably couldn't have messed up this movie more if he tired. (If previous director John Favreau had directed this one it probably would’ve been great and easy to understand.)

One of the film’s biggest problems was: how could Tony Stark make so many iron suits in such a short amount of time? Because we have no idea how much time has passed between the second Iron Man movie and this one. The great thing about Christopher Nolan's "The Dark Knight Rises" is that we already know that eight years have passed since "The Dark Knight," which made perfect sense and was easy to grasp.

At the end of “Iron Man 3,” all of a sudden Stark summons hundreds of suits from out of nowhere, and we have no clue where they all came from, because (spoiler alert) his house was destroyed in the beginning, which was actually a hard part to watch because it just felt like a blur of a bunch of people yelling and a splatter of color everywhere.

But then Stark survives from about four helicopters shooting at him without his iron suit on. He even has time to actually get it on and save his two weird, annoying, what he calls "girlfriends," because he's really just a loner playing with all his stupid toys.

But, anyway, after surviving his house being destroyed, all of a sudden he crash lands in the snow, and we have no idea why. Then he goes into a little kid’s shed, and this is when “Iron Man 3” really goes downhill, because director Black leads us to believe that a little kid can create another Iron Man, and that Tony Stark, (once back on his feet), somehow teleports to find the mandarin who, (another spoiler alert) is not even real. He tries to be funny but does a horrendous job.

When I finally realized what was happening, my friend and I both let out a huge sigh of disappointment.

What’s worse, the movie lacks a solid bad guy, except for Guy Pearce who was actually horrible as a villain who could somehow create an army with magical powers that could re-grow body parts — because this movie just isn't stupid enough.

When it finally ended I heard some people clapping. I could not believe what I was hearing. I wanted to slap them, but thankfully I didn't.

The great part of the first "Iron Man" was a nice simple plot with great visual effects, some very funny one liners, and a bad guy who was actually intimidating. (Same with the second Iron Man). I could go on all day about how horrible this film was, but I’ll stop now because I'm just getting way too angry.



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