In the past, whenever I’ve entered the new year with a bad cold, I utilized the accompanying fever to conjure up predictions. For instance, in 1996 my Pajaronian column gazed through the Mentholatum smudges  on my crystal ball and suggested we might quit basing our economic policies on the opinions of Federal Reserve chairmen and switch to more reliable indicators, like the reading of goat entrails.

That column also envisioned increasing rains generated by a warming planet would force the conversion of Pajaro Valley farms to rice cultivation, leaving us known as “America’s Rice Bowl.” And it boldly predicted the resulting runoff would result in the problem of freshwater intrusion into the Monterey Bay, forcing locals to man large salt shakers on the Pajaro River Bridge to help restore proper saline levels.

A later bout with the flu resulted in my 2003 column predicting county muni buses would be modified by replacing bike racks with fixtures capable of carrying lawn mowers and vacuum cleaners to facilitate Watsonville workers reaching jobs at Santa Cruz homes without impacting Highway 1 traffic. It also foresaw the Santa Cruz County government addressing both housing needs and the environmental impact of homeless camps in the Pajaro River by providing affordable houseboats on our side of the riparian corridor. And to satisfy controlled growth advocates, the county would ensure the boats had neither motors nor moorings. That would create a new annual tradition of county progressives gathering on the Thurwachter Bridge to wave farewell to the houseboat community as it drifts to the bay, where prevailing currents carry them down to southern shores.

Based on that record of abject prognosticating failure, and inspired by another miserable cold, I’ve assembled a few 2009 predictions for any seersuckers willing to read them:

• In a July 4 fundraising effort for restoring the Redman-Hirahara House, daredevil Robbie Knieval will volunteer to jump his motorcycle through flaming hoops placed across the length of the property. Unfortunately, ticket sales only provide enough money to replace the front steps; and the flames from one hoop will spread to the mansion, burning it to the ground. But in an ironic twist, the resulting fire insurance claim provides ample funds for a total restoration.

• The Pajaro Valley Water Management Agency will announce submission to all demands from its litigants and other opponents. When asked what methods were used to compel them into making such painful concessions, water board member Dennis Osmer will reply: “What do you think? They waterboarded us!”

• During a council meeting, city staff will report on our budget shortfall. Staff will then suggest the problem would be best addressed by hiring a “Budget Czar” along with assistant and deputy czars at a total salary and perk package of over half a million dollars a year. After the presentation, a councilmember who points out the deficit might be gradually eliminated by simply eliminating the Budget Czar office positions will be frog-walked to the downtown plaza and publicly caned for violating new rules against questioning staff opinions.

• The push for a green business incubator will stall after the city realizes it lacks sufficient “green” for the effort. The city will then declare the existing business incubator known as Plaza Vigil at the corner of Union and East Lake as its new green site. Evicting current tenants, it will be renamed Plaza Verde, and be filled with enterprises producing hemp clothing, tofu berries, sand candles and solar-powered skateboards.

• Professional mediators will be hired to resolve the continuing strife between Pajaro Valley Unified School District board majority members, the superintendent and their opponents. After over six months of marathon sessions focusing on conflict resolution, interpersonal relations, collaborative tactics, etc., the mediators achieve split-vote approval for a non-binding agreement from participants to attempt avoiding wall-pounding, lawsuits, profanity and acts of identity theft for 30 days. On the strength of that accomplishment, the mediators will be immediately dispatched to the Middle East, where they’ll achieve a permanent peace treaty between the Israelis and Palestinians in just under three hours.

•••

Steve Bankhead is a Watsonville resident and business owner. He has provided commentary on local politics for more than a decade. The opinions of columnists are not necessarily those of the Register-Pajaronian.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

(Published in 1/7/09 edition)

Share on Facebook